tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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