M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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