Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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