If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
