But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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