The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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