Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
