yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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