just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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