My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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