You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
