My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
