I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
