This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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