Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
