if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
