I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
