The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
