So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
