His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
