The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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