I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
