Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
