Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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