My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
