the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You dont lie about slip and slides
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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