There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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