Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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