I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
