You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
