thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
