Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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