you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
