I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
