I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
