her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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