halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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