Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
