come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
