Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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