you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
