He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
