I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's rum buckets o'clock
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
