I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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