I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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