...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
