Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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