Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
