I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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