Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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