I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
