someone get that fucking seahorse.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
