you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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