Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
