I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
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Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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