her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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