i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
