I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
