Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
