things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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